


Odo's Hat

by NervousAsexual



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Pranks and Practical Jokes, Quark is a lil bit of a hypochrondiac, Stylish Hats, in which I am Julian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 13:07:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10899975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: There was Quark, minding his own business. And, suddenly, there was Odo. And there was Odo's hat, which may or may not actually exist.





	Odo's Hat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EldritchTribble](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EldritchTribble/gifts).



One question that bothered Quark to no end was this: where did Odo end, and where did his clothes begin?

Sometimes the thoughts kept him up at night. Was Odo wearing clothes? Was Odo his own clothes? Was anything real? Had they all died when the Cardassians withdrew and all this was just the fleeting fantasies that came before oblivion?

The thoughts ran something like that.

He didn't dare ask. Odo had made it abundantly clear that he didn't want to discuss regeneration or shape-shifting, not even with Dr. Mora when he was on the station.

So Quark kept his thoughts and his questions to himself and only took them out to play with when things were slow or the bar was closed. He was thinking on the thoughts one day, a quiet day, when Rom came out of the storage room and dropped an entire tray of shot glasses onto the floor. Dabo girls tripped over themselves at the crash, glass flew everywhere, Morn fell off his stool, and Quark was unamused.

"Out," he said.

"But, brother, I can clean it up and replicate more..."

"No. Out." He'd been busy with his thoughts; he had no time for Rom's foolishness today. In fact, he'd just had a very interesting thought. If the truth was that Odo did wear clothes and was not his own clothes, that meant that there was something under the clothes. What would a naked changling look like, anyway?

"I'll just go fetch a broom and..."

"Get. Lost," Quark growled, and Rom scampered out onto the Promenade and disappeared.

Quark sighed to himself as he got the broom himself. No profits, no time to daydream. You just couldn't win.

"What was that crash?" a sharp voice demanded from the doorway.

More interruptions! Quark groaned. "Just an accident, Odo, nothing untoward..."

But the words got all tangled up when he turned around and saw who it was, glowering there from the door. It was Odo. Or at least it looked like Odo. The figure stood there, arms crossed, fingers tapping in irritation, wearing Odo's uniform. It was also wearing, atop its head, a gigantic brown hat, slightly squashed on one side, with a large pink ribbon tied around it.

"Uh," Quark said. He tried to point out the hat but his arms didn't seem to be functioning. "A, bwa?"

"Quark, the day nothing untoward happens in this bar is the day they vacuum desiccate you and sell you on the futures exchange." Odo--he was pretty sure it was Odo, hat or no hat--stepped into the bar.

Quark's eyes flicked from one side of the bar to the other, but nobody else seemed to have noticed the huge velvet mess atop Odo's head. The dabo girls were back to idly spinning the tables. Morn glanced up for the briefest of moments, cast his gaze upon Odo, and returned to his drink.

"So tell me, Quark. What's this I've been hearing about you double-booking holosuites?"

Hat, thought Quark, gazing up at the towering behemoth of a hat that made Odo even taller than usual. Hat, hat hat, hat. "Er... I've done no such thing. That would be in violation of the holosuite terms of service and every one knows a Ferengi would never violent a TOS agreement."

"Hmm. And which Rule of Acquisition is that, I wonder?"

"Ha... half dozen?"

One of Odo's eyebrows--such as they were--raised up and disappeared beneath the hat. There it stayed. It didn't seem to be coming back any time soon.

"You say you don't double-book. Hmm. Mm-hmm. So why do I have two angry customers in my office, both claiming they booked a certain holosuite this morning?"

"They... came in together? They booked the holosuite together and then decided they each wanted it seperately and when they couldn't come to an agreemet I kicked them out."

"They were going to use the holosuite together, were they?"

The pink ribbon looked down upon him in solemn judgement. "Er... yes?"

"The klingon freighter captain and the romulan academic booked the holosuite together."

"They sure did." Quark scratched his ear. "But that's not important."

"No?"

"No."

"What, then, is so important?"

"Where'd you get the new hat?" The words were out of Quark's mouth before he could stop them and there was no taking them back. He could only stand in mortified silence and wait for an answer.

Odo frowned. "What hat?"

"Your, uh..." He gestured toward Odo's head. "Your new one."

"Quark, I don't have time to play your games. Did you double-book the holosuite or not?"

He looked to Morn for support, but Morn only stared back, his eyes solemn, judging.

"Shut up, Morn," Quark told him. "And you..." He stared up at the hat, wondering if this was what a brain infarction felt like. "I didn't double-book that suit and you can't prove I did."

Odo frowned.

"Oh, we'll see about that," he said, then turned on his heel and stalked back out of the bar.

Quark dropped the broom a nd scrambled after him. Okay, so Morn wasn't impressed with Odo's headwear. Big deal. There were other people around. The Promenade was full of them.

He skidded out onto the Promenade floor and looked wildly in every direction. In the distance he spied Odo, already halfway to his office, exchanging a few gruff words with Dax before moving on. Jadzia nodded to him, and the two parted ways.

"Hat," Quark gasped, rushing up to her. "What did... you think of... Odo's new hat?"

"New hat?" Dax perked up. "Odo has a new hat? Why haven't I seen it?"

Quark groaned and put his hands on the back of his head. He hated running almost as much as he hated Odo's stupid hat. "The hat on his head. The hat Odo is wearing right now."

Dax frowned. She glanced back at Odo's retreat. "He's wearing a hat?...Is it an Odo-shaped hat?"

"Forget it," Quark said. "I've got to get back to the bar."

 

He found Garak at the replimat, sitting patiently at a table with his lunch laid out before him, and he came right up and planted a hand on either side of Garak's tray and put his face in the Cardassian's.

"Hello, Quark," Garak said cheerfully. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Odo's hat. Spill the beans."

Garak's usual smile faltered a little and he looked down at his tray. "I'd rather not, I'm quite famished..."

"Did you make Odo's new hat or not?"

"Odo has a new hat?" Garak echoed, and the smile came back full force. "That's wonderful. I've been after him for years, trying to get him to at least throw on a colorful neckerchief or something of the sort. A man doesn't live by beige alone, am I right?"

Quark was limp with disappointment. "You haven't seen the hat either, huh?"

"I can't say that I have." Garak gave him a curious look. "It's not... It's not a beige hat, is it?"

 

Everywhere he asked it was the same. Nobody had seen Odo with a hat. Captain Sisko asked if he was feeling okay. Kira said that was a surprisingly good idea, considering its source; she would get Odo a hat as a present but as far as she knew he was hatless. And yet when he passed the security office lo and behold there was Odo, frowning at his padd and still wearing his hat at a rigidly straight angle.

There was nothing else to do. Quark turbo-lifted himself directly to the medbay.

Dr. Bashir was already there, mercifully, popping Chief O'Brien's shoulder back into place when Quark came in and draped himself over an examination table.

"I did nothing to it, absolutely nothing," O'Brien complained. "I just swung the racquet and suddenly my arm pops out."

"Maybe it's time to retire the racquet," Dr. Bashir suggested, but O'Brien only glared daggers at him. "What can I help you with, Quark?"

"I'm having some sort of stroke," Quark said, staring through them to the wall. "Hallucinating. Seeing things that aren't really there."

"Leprachauns?" O'Brien asked sympathetically.

Quark had no idea what leprachauns were but he was sure this was not it. "Hats."

"Hats?" Dr. Bashir repeated. His face scrunched in on himself. There was something wrong with his mouth in particular.

"One hat in particular. On Odo."

"That does sound worse than leprachauns."

"It's bad. You know Rule of Acquisition #47? 'Never trust a man wearing a better suit than your own?' There's an unwritten rule 47b. Never trust a man in an ugly hat."

Dr. Bashir's eyes were strangly wide. He appeared to be chewing on his own cheeks.

"It can't be as ugly as all that," O'Brien said.

"It is worse. I'm the only one who can see it. So as far as I'm concerned, either I'm having some kind of episode, or Odo is wearing a ghost-hat. And hats that ugly go straight to hell when they die."

Dr. Bashir started to say something.

"Julian," O'Brien warned.

Dr. Bashir shut up.

Quark sighed. "Of all the things to hallucinate, it had to be a hat. Not piles of latinum. Not dabo girls. Not my own mother's love. But the ugliest hat..."

Dr. Bashir let out a high pitched keening that turned quickly to laughter.

"Julian!" O'Brien wailed.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! But... but..."

Quark sat up. "What are you laughing at? Are you laughing at me? This isn't funny! I could be dying!"

"It's not a hallucination, you putz," Dr. Bashir said. "Odo told us all not to say anything. You're not dying. You're not hallucinating."

"What!" Never had he heard of such perfidy, and from the station's head of security. He'd file a complaint! He'd go directly over Odo's smarmy head and stupid hat and he'd go to Sisko and...

And Sisko was in on it too.

"Everybody was," O'Brien said. "Except Rom... and maybe Blind Alenis at the jumja stick kiosk."

Quark wasn't sure what he was feeling. Rage? Embarrassment? It felt a lot like numbness. He got down from the table and silently returned to the turbolift.

"I thought you'd want to know!" Dr. Bashir called after him before collapsing again into giggles.

Quark went directly to security and there he found Odo adjusting the brim of his hat. He couldn't see into the holding cells, but from the gales of uncontrolled laughter echoing from within he guessed Rom was in there somewhere.

He went directly to Odo's desk and looked at the hat and tore his gaze away to look at Odo's face.

"I hate you," he said.

Odo removed his hat from his head, and tipped it to Quark with a familiarly smug smile plastered firmly to his face.

**Author's Note:**

> 


End file.
